Chemo – A time of Worship? A time of mourning?

This has been a more difficult infusion than normal.  Mainly because not only am I dealing with the infusion, but I am also dealing with the mourning of my doctor here.  He died about a week after my last infusion.  My new doctors had to go through my old files to see what all was done and how it was done.  I had to see his handwriting… I had to be here through lunch without him stopping by to eat lunch with me…. I had to deal with an evening of just sitting in here without him.  He would always stay for hours and we would chat.  And we would not just chat about the weather and such…. It was deep… theology…. salvation…. Heaven…. Hell……Life….Death……Hope…..Purpose……  The lyrics on my Encouragement Playlist right now…

I am broken at Your feet
Like an alabaster jar
Every piece of who I am
Laid before Your majesty

I will bow my life
At Your feet
At Your feet
My lips
So lost for words
Will kiss Your feet
Kiss Your feet

Oh the gravity of You
Draws my soul unto its knees 
I will never be the same
I am lost and found in You

Fitting being that my goal was to try to help my doctor find himself in Christ.  One of the last things he said to me was that he appreciated how I was real with my Christianity… He wished he could have faith like me…. But alas, he told me he did not think he could….Even as I assured him he could….

I, well, the infusion is still going and the clock on my computer tells me it is 10:12pm and here my iv machine says that it has over three hours to go.

 

I have spent the day texting Jacob and the kids, my sister, mother, and some friends.  Of course Mandie said that was what big sisters do when I said thanks for the entertainment.  🙂  I also had my praise music on in my room.   This music being on continually is new to my doctors… Dr. Longworth seems especially to like it!  🙂  But it is my way to be with the Lord.  To dwell in Him… To allow Him to carry me on wings like eagles …  The lyrics right now on ….

I wanna soar with You
Upon wings like eagles
But I’ll crawl with You too
When the dark and lonely questions come

I wanna stand true
No matter what’s new or comes through
I can’t stand still
Whatever hits I’ll keep making movements to You

I’m running fast and free to You
‘Cos You are the movement and fight in me
I’m running fast and free to You
‘Cos You are my home where I wanna be
Come move in me
Where I wanna be, come move in me

I wanna float with you
The currents driving me
But I’ll paddle hard too
When the waves and rapids overcome

I wanna stand firm
When my mind’s weak and my emotions squirm
I must stand true
Whatever hits I’ll keep making movements to You

I won’t walk away, won’t walk away

God says to me to write on my blog even though I had turned off the lights and had my iPhone on my chest listening, dwelling, crying, praising….. praising…. He says write…. so I write….

You see my doctor took his own life a week after my last treatment.  He had written me to check on me…. to ask how his “favorite missionary” was.  This has been such a different mourning process for me.  He was not in a car wreck, he did not have some terrible disease…. he was a brilliant doctor that was searching for peace….. peace….searching….. I tried to point the way…. but in the end…. things were just too much for him…. now when I need him….. he is not here….. I have needed him many times over the past 6 months ….. and honestly had to deal with many hard feelings …. sometimes anger…. sometimes frustration….. sometimes such sadness…. I’m trying to just be honest….  Lyrics right now

Mercy mercy
Bring me to my knees
As the morning
Calls to light the dark in me

Heaven’s story
Breathing life into my bones
Spirit lift me
From this wasteland lead me home

Now I
Find my life in Yours
My eyes
On Your name

Arrest my heart
From its reckless path
Release the chains in me
Awake my soul
To the hope You hold
Your grace is all I need

Humble glory
Chose to carry all my shame
Rendered worthy
In the shadow of Your Name

Gracious fury
Written in my Savior’s scars
Mercy mercy
Now engraved upon my heart

Now I
Find my life in Yours
My eyes
On Your name

His grace is all we need…. His grace…. Dwelling on Him …. Allowing Him to take it…..

So I look down at my hand typing this and I see this yellow tubing…. signifying the strange treatment that I take even though I don’t have cancer….

Why do I write?  I don’t know except the Lord helps me through it.  Because I see Him and His hand in my life and in each person I meet and that I have these diseases so that I can meet new people in hospitals…. a missionary to hospital staff…. I once told my friend Dan Wiggington that he was a missionary to hospitals…. Oh how my miss him….  My doctor found this treatment in a journal back in 2010 and we tried it and it gave me my life back.  God used this doctor, that is no longer here for me to thank, to give me a virtually pain free life again.  And God has given me the strength to get through it all.  Lyrics……

Salvation sounds a new beginning
As distant hearts begin believing
Redemption’s bid is unrelenting
Your love goes on
Your love goes on

You carry us
Carry us
When the world gives way
You cover us
Cover us
With Your endless grace

Your love is relentless
Your love is relentless
Your love is relentless
Your love is relentless

The time is up for chasing shadows
You gave the world a light to follow
A hope that shines beyond tomorrow
Your love goes on
Your love goes on

You carry us
Carry us
When the world gives way
You cover us
Cover us
With Your endless grace

Your love is relentless
Your love is relentless
Your love is relentless
Your love is relentless

Tearing through the veil of darkness
Breaking every chain, You set us free
Fighting for the furthest heart You gave
Your own life for all to see

Tearing through the veil of darkness
Breaking every chain, You set us free
Fighting for the furthest heart You gave
Your life

(You carry us, carry us
You cover us, cover us)
Your love is relentless
Your love is relentless
Your love is relentless
Your love is relentless…

His love is relentless.  Synonyms of relentless:  persistent, continuing, constant, continual, continuous, nonstop, never-ending, unabating, interminable, incessant, unceasing, endless, unending,unremitting

He carries us!  He does… He has carried me and He can do the same for you.  But you have to go to Him.  You have to turn to Him.  You have to give Him your life and take on His yoke.  Yoke definition “a wooden crosspiece that is fastened over the necks of two animals and attached to the plow or cart that they are to pull” …

You become one with Him and then He will help you carry your burden… it will be lighter…. I shared this with my doctor…. In the end …. I don’t know what he chose…. I have to share with you now…. because God has impressed it upon me.  Lyrics…

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

He has led me and He has carried me… He has breathed life into me!  So yes!  This time of chemo is a time of worship… this time of mourning is also a time of worship!  All times are a time of worship!  Lyrics….

You bled your heart out

Now I feel love beat in my chest
How wonderful
You gave your beauty
In exchange for my ugliness
How wonderfulYou left your perfection
And embraced our rejection

How marvellous, how boundless
Is Your love, is Your love
How wonderful, sacrificial
Is Your love for me

You put on our chains
Sent us out through the open door
How wonderful
You took our sadness
Crowned us with joy and real peace
How wonderful

You left Your perfection
And fought for our redemption

Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
How wonderful
Yes Jesus loves me
This is love
You gave Yourself

Jesus love me…. Jesus love you.  He gave His life for you.  Turn to Him.  You may contact me or you can contact any faithful Christian that you know… Go to Him…. Let Him help you.  There is always hope…. Pain is temporary (sometimes longer lasting that others) but He will help with it.  I PROMISE!